Am I Ugly?
If you searched “Am I ugly,” I assume there is something about your physical appearance you are unhappy with. Are you actually ugly though? I’m going to answer that question without focusing on inner beauty or giving some mumbo-jumbo response. Instead, I’ll give you some sound research, my honest thoughts, and some tips to love yourself and improve your potential ugliness.
But first, I have to tell you about something that happened to me.
Last year, a song called “Most Beautiful” was stuck in my head. I quickly typed it into Google, thinking Google knew I was searching for the song since I had played it 100 times that week. But in my next glance at my computer screen, I saw a woman’s face. Google Autocomplete changed my search to “Most beautiful in the world.” And bam! Insert picture of Bella Hadid:
Embed from Getty ImagesThis bothered me so much! And not because I look nothing like her. Not because well “if that’s the standard of beauty, then I’m just not beautiful.” Not because I think she is not pretty—I think Bella Hadid is very pretty. I was upset because she has had plastic surgeries and countless medical procedures that have produced what Google and apparently science deem “the most beautiful face.” Bella Hadid got a nose job at just 14 years old. In 2022, She stated in Vogue magazine “I wish I had kept the nose of my ancestors.” Bella Hadid does not even look like Bella Hadid. If she is the standard of beauty, then we can clearly draw the conclusion that the standard of beauty is quite literally unattainable.
Is There a Real Universal Beauty Standard?
There are clearly unrealistic beauty standards and, more importantly, unattainable beauty standards.
Too fat, too skinny, too masculine, too feminine, too tall, too short, too dark, too light, too flat, too wide, too pointy, too crooked, too big, too small…
I can go on and on with all of the ways we can describe or critique our outer appearance. If you have struggled with this, you may have wondered if beauty is universal or subjective. Is there a way to stop wondering if something is too [insert whatever adjective here]? The answer is, perhaps surprisingly, yes. After much research, 3 distinct attributes that mark universal beauty or attractiveness have emerged.
They are:
Height (for men)
Waist-to-hip ratio (for women)
Facial symmetry (for both men and women)
I would love to tell you there is no universal beauty standard but, like I said, I am going to be honest with you. As a woman who has an asymmetrical face and is not exactly curvy, I know these 3 things can sound gloomy. But, I am encouraged by the fact there are only 3 markers of “universal beauty!” And, technically, only 2 can apply to you because they are sex-specific.
That means everything else about your outward appearance you may feel insecure about is completely subjective. That’s right! Your weight, hair type, skin complexion, boob size, nose shape…—all subjective! So even if you’re a short guy or rectangle-shaped woman, there are so many other physical traits you have that someone will find attractive! And that someone can include yourself! With this information, it’s hard for me to believe you are ugly, but let’s unpack some more research to find out.
The Beauty Standard is Always Changing
Although symmetrical facial features are a universal sign of beauty, this may be changing. For as much research I found explaining the correlation between beauty and facial symmetry, I found just as much research explaining how that evidence is unreliable. Many people seem to find asymmetrical faces attractive because they show more character and personality. Work from Alex John Beck caught a lot of media attention after showing what it would look like for people to have perfectly symmetrical faces. Symmetrical faces demonstrating so-called“perfect beauty” appear odd and artificial. My point is, standards change. Even what is considered universal beauty can change.
If you are over 10 years old, you have seen waves of different trends come and go. What was considered the pinnacle of beauty 10 years ago may now be viewed as undesirable. Every culture has a beauty standard, and it drastically changes over time -even within that culture! BuzzFeed gives a really cool video breakdown of beauty evolutions from different cultures. When I look at the States, I see that while a lot of different cultures influence our beauty ideals, many of our ideals come from Western culture, like being thin and tall, having a small nose, small lips, long straight hair etc. But a lot of those ideals have changed…and changed again!
That is called a trend, my friend, and clothes aren’t the only things that come in and out of trend. Pop culture has turned body types and facial features into trends, and it is absolutely disgusting if you ask me because our bodies are more than a fashion or craze. I hope this changes, but one thing I know for sure is the beauty standard is always changing.
Beauty is Subjective
Because there are only three universal beauty standards, everything else about your beauty is completely subjective. This is something I have personal experience with. Growing up I was very thin and felt insecure about it. Even though most supermodels have a lower body weight, because I was so petite, I looked nothing like a model. I just looked like a kid. In my teenage years, this upset me more because I didn’t have the “womanly shape” I wanted. Being biracial, I found myself feeling insecure about other things as well like my skin tone and facial features…and don’t even get me started on my hair! This was not just in my head either! I already felt I didn’t fit in, but to make everything worse, others made fun of me by calling me a stick and saying my hair looked like I was electrocuted.
As I got older, I was exposed to different standards of beauty. I moved to a more diverse area which greatly opened my eyes. When my high school career was ending, Instagram was new and popular. I discovered even more diverse beauty standards. Around this time, a new natural hair movement exploded (again, because beauty standards change). And with all these different shifts, the features I once felt insecure about made me feel more beautiful than I had ever felt.
Exposure to different cultures and lifestyles taught me that different communities value different things. There are communities all over the world that value different shapes and sizes. When I began to love the way I looked and accepted parts I can’t change, I noticed I received more attention from both men and women telling me I look beautiful. What some people criticize, others admire. Plenty of communities value my petite size, particularly those in the health/ fitness world. There are communities that will celebrate you, too. Expose yourself to more, and you will realize beauty is definitely subjective!
Appearance Changes
Sometimes outside factors like stress, aging, pregnancy, drug abuse, injuries, and diseases affect our looks. They can plague our thoughts, too, making us think things like, “If I didn’t have this disease, I wouldn’t look so ugly” or “If this didn’t happen to me, I would look better.” Living with shame, regret, anger, or bitterness is not going to improve your looks.
If your appearance has changed due to outside factors, the solution is likely acceptance. Accept that you are a human being and you are bound to change. If there are safe ways to improve your looks, do it. Your hair has started to thin? Maybe try thickening shampoo. If you have gotten cellulite, maybe try targeted workouts.
Surgery is not the best solution here because it furthers a vicious cycle of unhappiness with your appearance. If you are willing to do something dangerous (like surgery), you will likely end up unhappy because you were unable to accept your flaws. And when another flaw pops up in 5 years (or a month after you first went under the knife), you will look to that same dangerous solution, rather than the positive—and only true—solution of acceptance.
If your appearance has changed due to a mistake of someone else or yourself, the solution is likely forgiveness. Forgive because everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. If you look different because of a car accident, you should forgive whoever was at fault—including if it was yourself. If your body has changed due to medical malpractice, a lawsuit may be fitting, but you still need to forgive. Feel your physical beauty has seemingly vanished after years of drug abuse or self-harm? You need to—and can—forgive yourself!
Control What You Can
Yes, you can go “under the knife” for just about anything these days. I recently came across leg-lengthening surgery which seems to be more popular among short men. While there are countless dangerous cosmetic procedures, this, in my opinion, looks like the most painful. Cosmetic procedures are largely an option that seems to only perpetuate insecurities about physical appearance. It’s not the solution many seem to suggest it is—something that even Bella Hadid, who regretted her nose job, has realized.
Putting your life in jeopardy for physical appearance is unwise, to say the least, and may even be considered a body dysmorphic disorder. The honest truth is there are things you can control and things you can’t (and shouldn’t try to). All changes you make should always be safe and in your best interest.
There are some things that you can’t change, for example, skin tone is a part of who you are, so using harsh bleaching creams or sun/indoor tanning is not in your best interest. No matter how happy you may be with the results temporarily, it will be harmful for you in the end. You may be able to slightly change your complexion with a gentle brightening cream or some sunless tanner, but you will not have drastic results. Skin tone is an example of something you can not change.
Something you can change is your physique. An obvious way to make a drastic change in your appearance is to eat healthy and exercise.
If we are honest here, most people don’t commit to doing this and giving it all they’ve got. If people were honest about working towards a relatively healthy body, the World Obesity Federation wouldn’t be predicting over 50% of the world’s population being obese in less than 15 years.
Confidence
Confidence goes a long way. Insecurity is highly unattractive to both men and women and is even considered a red flag in dating. If you struggle to have confidence because of the way you look, don’t start with the way you look. Start with your mind. Feeling content with appearance comes from within.
I am not what I think I am, and I am not what you think I am. I am what I think you think I am.
Charles Cooley
Confirmation bias can play a large role in how attractive you think you are and how you think others perceive you. Once we believe something, we are convinced that it’s true. It’s almost all we see and hear. When I believed I was too skinny, I felt as though people could see only how thin I was when they looked at me. It didn’t matter how hard I smiled, I was just a walking string bean. I would choose to swelter in the terrible summer heat because I’d rather wear jeans than show my legs. Now, did some people think I was skinny? Yes. I was called “chicken legs.” But a vicious cycle began in my mind of what some people thought, what I thought, and what I projected onto others:
When you have an insecurity and someone else confirms it, it traps you in a toxic cycle of damaging your self-esteem. If you feel you are ugly, you will assume that other people feel the same way. Feelings of ugliness become the lens through which you see everything, including how others perceive you. ! You might think something like, “I’m too ugly. I shouldn’t bother talking to them.”
So to answer the original question “Am I ugly?” No, you’re probably just insecure. And that’s a good thing—it means that you can truly begin to see yourself rightly and shake off rejection more easily!
Make An Honest Evaluation
Think about why you don’t feel beautiful. As we have established throughout this article, you’re probably not ugly, but it’s worth evaluating the things that are making you feel this way. Feeling ugly is not conducive for healthy self-love or self-preservation.
Illusions
Do you feel ugly because you constantly look at illusions all day? Globally, over 60% of people use social media and spend an average of 2.5 hours on it. Most phones now tell us how much time we spend on different apps. Check your settings and see where you are spending your time. Get off social media, and media in general. Don’t worry, you’ll survive. Need your social media for work purposes? Find someone who can cover you for a while. We’re taking extreme measures here!
We all know social media is not all real. Spending so much of your time consuming deceptive videos and images will not help you feel more beautiful no matter how much you tell yourself “I know it’s fake.” It is a reality that looking at unrealistic people can morph into feelings of dysmorphism.
Recently, I was watching a youtube video of a woman who, in my opinion, had a beautiful hourglass body that was fit and toned with muscles. She explained how she takes all of her pictures and videos when her stomach is flat which on average is 2 weeks out of the month. She then showed what she looks like most of the time. And although she was still beautiful and had toned legs, she no longer had that hourglass shape. I was shocked. Her stomach looked bloated and her whole body just looked completely different. Without all of the lighting, angles, and wardrobe hacks, she didn’t look like the fitness model I thought I was watching. Be careful about absorbing deceptive content.
Not Healthy
Not being healthy can make us feel ugly. Some examples of this are malnutrition, being underweight or overweight, or having excess body fat and skin issues. If some of these apply to you, work to change them. It is that simple.
Maybe because of your genes or body type, you will be a little on the small or big size. That does not mean you should accept being extremely underweight or overweight. That is just not healthy. It takes less than a minute to find out the weight range for your height. Put the real work into learning how to get to a healthy weight in a safe way. How can you start today? Maybe with a walk at the end of the day or consuming more protein in your diet? Do your homework and find out what is best for you. Anyone can gain some weight by eating Mcdonald’s every day, and anyone can lose weight by starving themselves. Neither is healthy—and there’s no need for either one when there are plenty of healthy ways to get to a better body weight.
If you struggle with acne, go to the dermatologist. If you’re not able to, learn how you can clear your skin from home, again, the healthy way! Take it from someone who had cystic acne for years, eating clean and eliminating stress make the biggest difference in your skin. Issues with skin like acne, rosacea, psoriasis, discoloration, etc. do not make you ugly. They are, however, an indicator that your body is trying to tell you something. Trust that your body is on to something, and find out what that something is.
Environment
Remember, different cultures and communities value different things. Maybe you are surrounded by people who don’t appreciate the way you look. If you are healthy, maintain good hygiene, and keep after yourself, but continue to get rejected and ridiculed for your looks, it may be time you change your environment. Maybe you feel your closest friends are stunning while you’re just average? You can remain friends with whomever you want, but you need to realize all of the unique qualities that make you stunning—on the inside and on the outside! Join communities where people choose to recognize your beauty.
Protect Your Mind
If feelings of ugliness have become a major source of stress, I would recommend it’s time to take extreme measures to cultivate a mindset and environments that would be healthy and positive for you to thrive. As you protect your mind from intrusive thoughts, your looks will no longer consume every thought, which is extremely unhealthy. Because of neuroplasticity, you can change the way you think and form new habits whenever you make the decision to think positively about yourself! There are so many other factors that contribute to who you are than your outward appearance.
We All Want Love
For those who lack a romantic partner and feel lonely, in most instances your relationship status is completely unrelated to your physical appearance. And I would highly suggest speaking with someone who will be brutally honest with you to provide insight. If you think your struggles are too big to overcome, see a professional.
However, at the end of the day, it’s true that we all want to feel loved—and not just romantic love. Feeling ugly produces sentiments of inadequacy, making it hard to receive love when it comes our way. Feeling ugly also creates a sense of loneliness. Having these persistent thoughts and getting stuck in that insecure cycle isolates and separates you from deep connections, what we all desire and need to flourish.
How can you have the best life possible with what you have been given? Even what you perceive as negative can be used for good with the right mindset. Whatever disadvantages you feel you have in this life, ask yourself how it can be used to your favor. Not being “as attractive” can be to your advantage, acting as a filter so that only the right people will maintain and build relationships with you. This will create a genuine dating pool and friend group. Someone who may be more conventionally beautiful, according to your culture’s standard, can often struggle to find people who truly care about them on the inside. In fact, research shows that being viewed as attractive also has a fair amount of disadvantages, especially for women, like being viewed as incompetent.
There is no one thing that will make you feel beautiful day in and day out. Acceptance is key. You don’t want to go your whole life pursuing surgeries to change how you were created. It is great to care about your looks but, if you stop preoccupying yourself with your physical appearance and begin to value yourself in a much deeper and more meaningful way, you will attract people who do the same.
Conclusion
If you truly believe from the bottom of your heart, that you are kind, fun, and enjoyable to be around, you will begin to see the deep value and worth that you have—just as you are. Some of the most beautiful triumphs of my life have come from the ugliest disasters.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
serenity prayer
courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Our outer appearance should never cause us to question our existence or purpose. You can step out of your despair! You have a purpose and there are great things for you to accomplish here on Earth apart from what you look like.
I may not know you, but based on all that research says about physical beauty and ugliness, I believe that when you ask the question, “Am I Ugly?” the answer is an unequivocal “No!” There is so much beauty in you, and I believe that you are just beginning to discover it!
