Setting and Enforcing Boundaries—A Form of Self-Love. 

Keeping your boundaries is a critical key to self-love. If you don’t have boundaries in place, your relationships will be unhealthy or draining. But how do we set, enforce, and navigate the challenging territory of boundaries? 

It is possible for you to have healthy boundaries, and if you don’t know where to begin, I’m here to help you. 

A Sacred Place: Why You Should Have Boundaries

Have you ever heard “My body is a temple?” Many people say it, but most don’t understand what it means. “My body is a temple” is a famous historical quote from the Bible. The writer suggests that our bodies house the Spirit of God. Whether you believe in God or not, you probably know that a temple is a place that is revered and holy. Architecturally, it is a building, but spiritually, it is a sacred place. And that’s what it means for your body to be a temple.

Imagine a house with a fence around it. Symbolically, you are a house and your house is your temple. Does keeping a fence around your house make you uncomfortable? Many people feel they are boxing themselves in and limiting their lives in some way. 

There is a popular quote from the fictional character Merideth Grey from Grey’s Anatomy: “Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines…or you can live your life crossing them.” Boy, does that sound good! If I heard that in an open mic, I’d start snapping my fingers for sure. 

However, that is a distorted way to think of boundaries, and that philosophy will open your doors to abuse. I love people. Having a heart for people, I don’t see boundaries as keeping people out; instead, I look at them as keeping behaviors out. For example, say: your dad belittles you and often calls you stupid anytime you make a mistake. The boundary would not be to keep your dad out of your life; it would be to keep out hurtful comments. 

Access

Just like a fence surrounds your property line, your boundaries determine what you will and will not accept in your space—and in different areas of your space. 

After people have been allowed past your fence and onto your property, the question is now, whom will you let into your home? And will you give anyone a copy of your house key? You see, there are levels to boundaries. Just because you let someone into your life doesn’t mean they should have full access. There are intimate parts of who we are, and those parts should be cherished by those we choose to share them with. 

So that means your house, your rules. People can’t just come and go as they please. Letting in the wrong people could mean your home is vandalized! So long as people behave in a way that respects the boundaries you establish, they can stay in your life. If they choose to not respect your boundaries, they are deciding to not be a part of your life. People change, and setting a new boundary gives them the opportunity to. Without that boundary, they most likely will continue that harmful behavior.

Ultimately, you have the key. Even if you gave a copy of your key to someone in one season of your life, it does not mean they have full access indefinitely. You can always change the locks. When people do not treat you with respect, they should no longer have full access to you.

Help! I Don’t Have Any Boundaries!

Don’t have boundaries? Actually, you do. It’s not a matter of having them—you’re just ignoring them. Boundaries are like invisible internal lines that we don’t want crossed, and they look different for different people in every season. Creating boundaries happens intrinsically, sometimes even subconsciously. We all have boundaries, but we don’t all enforce them, and thus, we sometimes don’t know what our boundaries are in the first place.

Let me explain: We all have different things that hurt us. Because we are all different, boundaries help us create a distinct line between one another’s behavior. This may sound like separation to you, but remember we all have these lines internally anyway. That is how we know when someone has “crossed the line” or was “out of line.” There is no true physical line, but there is an internal line within us all, and for many of us it’s different. 

For example, one mother may love to cook for her adult children when they ask and find joy knowing she is helping. For another mother, that may feel like a chore or burden because of her skill set, energy level, or amount of free time. What one mother is excited about, another could feel disrespected by. Although they are asked for the same thing, different people have different boundaries. 

Some people hate when people around them curse. Others find cursing to be a form of expression or culture, and they simply wouldn’t feel they are being themselves if they had to speak without cursing. 

People do have different boundaries. So how can you identify what your boundaries—which, trust me, you already have—are? 

Boundaries Protect 

Boundaries protect our hearts. Here are some areas that require boundaries. Think about each one and identify where you need that invisible line to be drawn. 

• Mental/ Emotions
• Time 
• Energy 
• Sexual
• Physical (personal space) 
• Online presence 
• Personal property 

Each of these areas should be protected in some capacity. 

How To Enforce Boundaries Politely 

We all have the job of communicating to those around us what our boundaries are whether through our words, actions, body language, facial expressions, etc. Communicating your boundaries clearly in words is probably best, although, yes, sometimes it feels like “shouldn’t they know this? But when you need to enforce a boundary, it can be hard to figure out how to do it constructively.

You are not a doormat. You are an image-bearer of God with deep worth and value. That means that your boundaries matter. Take them seriously. It is important to enforce your boundaries because boundaries will determine how  others learn to treat you. 

Your main responsibility is to make sure your boundaries have been articulated clearly. Ensure clarity by speaking directly and without filler words. For example, you could say,  “I don’t like when you do that. It makes me feel uncomfortable.” This is much more direct than saying, “I sorta don’t like when you do that. It kinda makes me feel uncomfortable.” Keeping it short and simple is polite enough. After that, it is their responsibility to be polite to you by honoring your boundaries. 

Being polite means being respectful and considerate. If you are having a difficult time enforcing your boundaries with someone, ask yourself, is this person respectful and considerate? 

If they are not being respectful to you and your boundaries,  that doesn’t mean you should disrespect them back. What it does mean is that you have an even greater obligation and personal need to enforce your boundaries with this person. If someone shows no consideration for your boundaries, you can see just why boundaries with them are needed even more! 

Boundaries in Personal & Professional Relationships

People often want to know how to navigate boundaries within a very specific relationship. Boundaries with coworkers, boundaries with bosses, boundaries with parents, boundaries with boyfriends, boundaries with a boyfriend’s parents…I can go on and on. In truth, it doesn’t matter if you need boundaries with a best friend or the Amazon delivery guy; once you understand healthy boundaries, you will realize it is all the same. 

A boundary is a boundary. Set your boundary. Communicate it clearly. Then, enforce it! There are some areas of your life some people may have access to that others don’t, and that’s a good thing. It means you have a healthy variety of relationships! Other boundaries may go for everyone, such as  how people speak to you. 

No one should ever have numerous opportunities to disrespect and cross your boundaries. Often, we make the mistake of allowing those closest to us to be an exception to the rule. Because we love them so much, we allow them to hurt us over and over again. This is dysfunctional and backward. The people we are closest to should respect and honor us the most! Not having healthy boundaries in relationships can also foster a codependent relationship dynamic. Keep this in mind as you set boundaries with the different relationships in your life. 

Breaking News!: When Boundaries Bring Conflict

Not everyone will like your boundaries. And there will be some people who do not understand them. They have gotten accustomed to a certain relational dynamic, and now you are asking them to change. Understand this adjustment may feel overwhelming, so be patient. Boundaries are best established before you feel hurt, not when you’re at your “last straw” with someone. 

Know when people are trying to learn your new boundaries versus when people are being manipulative. Unhealthy people will take your boundaries and flip them as if you are encroaching on their boundaries. They may even share that their feelings are hurt by your boundaries. Please beware: this is a form of gaslighting. For example:

Girlfriend: “Hey, I know this may come as a surprise, but I don’t want to have sex anymore because I feel it has become a distraction in our relationship. We don’t communicate the way we used to, and I want to enjoy sex in a more committed relationship. I understand if you don’t want to stay together but this is the decision I made.”

Gaslighter: “How can you change our relationship without asking me? I thought I could trust you. You never mentioned this to me before. It is selfish for you to change things now.  I’m really hurt you would make this decision without me. ”

You can establish boundaries at any point in any relationship! If you believe that your boundaries are healthy and reasonable, don’t let others make you feel bad about them. The more healthy you become, the more you will attract healthy individuals into your life. 

Have you ever heard “don’t cast your pearls before swine?” It is a famous saying of Jesus and my advice for you. This is not to call the people in your life who you love pigs. It is an analogy. You see, just as pigs do not appreciate pearls, some people do not appreciate what you have to offer. This is sad but a hard reality you must face as you navigate boundaries.

It Takes Two to Tango: Respect Others Boundaries

As you enforce your boundaries, be mindful to respect other people’s boundaries. I have counseled people who told me about relationships in their lives where they didn’t feel respected. Name-calling is a common offense. I’ll respond, “You can start by drawing your line at name-calling since that hurt your feelings and belittled you.” I hear back almost every time: “Well, I kinda name call too.”

Listen friend, the whole point of boundaries is to protect yourself from unhealthy behavior, keeping out all that is toxic. But you can’t keep toxic out if you’re toxic too! As they say, it takes two to tango. If you have multiple toxic relationships in your life, you may have a larger part to play than you think. Respect is a value, so demanding respect is meaningless if you are not willing to give it.

Conclusion: Boundaries and Self-Love

Thinking about boundaries you want to be established in your life, you embark on a self-development journey that helps form your identity. Enforcing boundaries may come with some unexpected challenges in your relationships. It may also come with some unexpected challenges within. 

If you start to feel a wave of anxiety come over you with the thought of establishing boundaries, this is probably a sign of insecurities and lack of self-respect. If that’s you right now, it’s not too late! You can grow to love yourself, and people who love themselves respect themselves. 
Every person is equal in value and made in the image of God. No one was created to be abused or mistreated—you are worth so much more. Healthy self-love means you enforce your boundaries. Start setting and enforcing boundaries today!